I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
