Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
