i would punch a child for taco bell
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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