I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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