I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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