you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
