all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
