Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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