my sisters under your porch take her home
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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