What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
