I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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