Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
