either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
