why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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