just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
