i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
