i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
40s are totally the cure
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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