my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
