The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Ladies don't puke and tell
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
