I am puke
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
