last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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