And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
