also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
