They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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