All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize