Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
