I cannot find my penis.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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