Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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