So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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