My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
