just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
