1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
