i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
