he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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