Taylor Swift is so right about you.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
