I am spending my child support on dildos
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
