I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
