Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
