I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
