so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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