My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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