You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize