I think my fart just growled at me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
