remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize