I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
