What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
