Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
