My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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