It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize