Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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