Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
