True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
