Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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