He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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