he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
there was a trapeze. enough said
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
