The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
