I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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