He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
