it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
