So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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